Frustrations

I want to premise this post with the assurance to you that I am blessed, I know that, I have more than I deserve, life ultimately is good (though challenging) and I am thankful for the gifts I have.

However that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m human and sometimes life this process of adoption also holds frustrations.

Over the past week or so Gent and I have been preparing for our little family to go on our first real vacation.  We had actually hoped that our process would be done or close to done by now so that we could fly to Wichita Kansas to visit one of my close friends and her family for a week.  It was to be our celebration of legally becoming a family. After our most recent court date adjournment we decided to forego waiting and plan the trip anyway, for a few reasons: first off children under 2 years old can fly for free and by the time the process is over now she will be 2 years old thus cha-ching, second we’ve waited 2 years to be able to go on a real vacation and we really wanted to spend it with these friends as our kids would have such a great time together, third we were told all we needed was a letter from the agency to cross the border so why wait and not just go now, life is to be lived!

After working out how much we wanted to spend vs how far away we wanted to drive to an airport, getting approved time off from our jobs (mine still pending), and when it would work to go (as we can’t just miss scheduled visits at the agency and cause a court fight), I was about to book the tickets (like ready to give our MasterCard info) when I had a feeling I should call the agency and just double check that flying across the border with a letter would be equally as possible as driving across the border.  Within an hour I had my answer.  It is not.

Some of you might be wondering what the big deal is right? Just get the kid a passport.  Nothing is ever simple when you are in ‘the process’.  Due to hard to get a hold of parents (I have a good joke about this one but I’ll save it for another day), worker after worker on the case, and just no urgency for it, Lil’ Lady only recently got a birth certificate.  Which incidentally we don’t have because it has to stay at the agency for safe keeping. She’s over 19 months old by the way.

I’m not sure what goes into getting a passport for a child, we were going to look into it, but no doubt there are lines with parents’ (like legal guardians which we are not) needed and their info and right now as a child in care who is not yet a crown ward we are deciding (I’m not sure if we could do so anyway) to leave it especially with such a short amount of time until our trip. Also since her case should be, hopefully, over relatively soon it doesn’t seem to make sense to go to all that work when we will have to turn around and get a new birth certificate and everything else as well as passport in a few months anyway.

I was super disappointed about this because we are so ready to travel as a family (travelling even within your own country or area is difficult as you need to take out an agency crib that fits in only large vehicles blah) and just get to do some fun stuff together.  I know, I know, our time will come blah blah.  I don’t need yet another reminder from someone who hasn’t walked in our shoes about the fact that eventually we will get to do these things and it will have been worth the wait.  She is worth everything.  Every wait, every pile of papers, every heart break, every sacrifice, every compromise, every fore thought, everything we have to do to be the best parents that she deserves. She is worth it all.

It does not mean though that at times we are not frustrated with it.  So many times I hear of people doing normal things like travelling, calling their kids by their full name, talking about planning for their next child, or just referencing simple acts of parenting or parenting choices that we cannot make at this time and I think ‘wow you get to do that, you are in charge (so-to-speak) of your parenting/family decisions completely’.  No not the outcome of every situation but the freedom of having choice.  It blows my mind.

Most of the time I feel ok with the fact that we are limited in some ways with life, mostly because I know that for the most part it’s temporary.  I am thankful that we are fairly structured thinkers and livers and don’t feel as confined as some might because we are homebodies and planners.  This helps a lot. However after nearly two years of process and knowing that we could be close to the end it is difficult to not feel some frustration about this.

I’ll end on a positive note because I feel like we should always find things to be thankful for even in our frustrations.

Good points to our delay…

* we are taking 2 full weeks off for the first time since we went to Thailand 3 1/2 years ago and we won’t have jet lag or fatigue to worry about

* we plan on making the most of our time and hope to really put thought into what we do and who we spend time with

* we hope to tackle some house organizing which will be nice to get in before winter

* by the time we go next year (hopefully!!) Hux will be well trained for whoever the lucky ones that will be dog sitting 😉

* once our process is finalized the trip to Wichita will be so much more meaningful as we will be going with all three of our passports having the same last name!!!

**Confession: I ate some chocolate because I was sad. But it’s ok because I’m not perfect but am willing to do better. I’m a work in progress, with a lot of progress to be done. **