Chaos

Ever have a period of time in your life where everything about it seems to equate to chaos?

If so you are in good company with me right now. If not, we just can’t be friends 😉

I am trying to learn the art of letting go.  This is proving to be quite the feat.  And perhaps even quite the joke.

I sort of feel like I went to bed one night and woke up to someone else’s life.  The someone else had a tornado hit it and then forced me to take over.  Though I was a full time housekeeper and still do some on the side I have no interest in trying to clean up the storm that hit this life.

In no way do I mean this to sound depressing or sad, I’m not depressed or sad.  Probably just a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of the mess (or what feels like the mess).

I just met with a friend tonight who was teaching me about finding joy despite the circumstances we find ourselves in, and allowing God (or Higher Power if that works for you) to just take over and letting Him reveal miracles that surround us.  I remembered how I used to do that so much more often.  After I got diagnosed (with MS – more on that later) I really struggled to naturally notice the little things because my mind has been busy worrying about the bigger things, the future.  I’m not one to worry without reason (says every person that worries ever), I had/have reason, or so I think.

My MS has been very active.  The little bastard has created quite a story for itself.  I know in my spirit that MS shouldn’t have the final say in my life, nor should it be allowed any input really, however I have come to give it more respect than it deserves.

When I was first diagnosed I wanted to be a hero.  I wanted to overcome my symptoms with a perfect diet and equally perfect exercise.  I had little interest in advocating or raising awareness about it as I saw that as selfish (and still do in some ways).  I wanted to be that person that killed the disease in it’s tracks and had people talking about what a fabulous attitude I had about it.

Here I am nearly 2 years post d-day and I have continued to experience relapses at a regular 2-3 times a year pace, I stray so often from my ideal diet for recovery/remission, I often fear exercise (anyone who understands pain, weakness and loss of ability post exercise can surely identify), and I’ve quit dreaming and thinking my life is anything worth dreaming about. And quite honestly I do not have a great attitude about it, hence the bastard descriptive.

Having said all that I recognize the miracles in my life: my amazing husband, our beautiful incredible little miracle, our home, our jobs, our loved ones, my yarn and used book stash.

I am beginning to see how I’ve allowed some storms to stop me in my tracks and just made me sit down in the mess.  They’ve overwhelmed me so much I haven’t known even how to get back up and move on.

I think I want to move on though.  Perhaps I can’t do it the way I once would’ve, but I can do it some how.  I just need to learn the new way.

Who knows if writing it all in a blog post will help at all but here it is.  Maybe one of you has a magic cure.  I’m open to your quick fixes less open to thoughtful suggestions (insert dry sense of humour).

If you will excuse me I’m going to start cleaning up this mess ….  perhaps I’ll wait until the morning.

In the mean time maybe I’ll learn to appreciate the chaos.

The tornado hit the house.  It didn’t hit the person inside.